I'm Super Excited...

...for a movie that releases next week.

It's a grown-up movie!

I know! How exciting that there is NO animation!

The Dark Tower is based on my favorite series on the planet; The Dark Tower by Stephen King. I'm also awaiting the release with much trepidation.

This epic series delivers so much that I'm not sure the movie can even remotely compete.

I've been having conversations with friends who are excited for the movie and are going in with an open mind. I'm struggling to do so.

So many major things are different. The main character, for example, is completely different visually in the movie than he is in the book.

While I understand this is a "sequel" to the series, I just don't understand the direction.

So, I'm dragging my best friend to the movie, going in with an open mind (as open as I can pry it with a mental pry bar), and hoping for the best.

I'll let you know. I know you'll be waiting with bated breath.

The reason this made the blog is because I get to go out WITHOUT KIDS!!!! I'm so super excited that it's kind of ridiculous!

~Kim

It Has Been A While...

...since I posted.

My apologies for that, but life has been a little hairy.

Our family had a huge crisis and the good ole me snuck right in and shut down.

The good news, I only shut down for a couple of days. The rest has been dealing with the crisis and living a life of a little more freedom from the black monster.

I've been cleaning.

Yep, you've read that right! Cleaning!

I'm an eternal slob, just ask my mother and she'll regale you with tales of my childhood messes and slobbobian (her word for me) ways. It had gotten so bad that I didn't even see the point in cleaning at all.

After all, with three kids, it was just going to get dirty again, right? Yeah, that logic doesn't really work when there are three kids who are old enough to clean up after themselves, but instead, because they've seen your laziness (that's what they attribute it to, but I know better) they don't feel the need to do so.

Living in a constant state of messes and dirt has recently stopped being my style. I suddenly want my friends to come over. Most of them won't judge me, but I'm starting to feel embarrassed about the way my house looks.

I want to be able to invite my mother over to dinner, or lunch, or just to sit in the back yard. I want that without the fear of lecture about my housekeeping skills (or lack there of).

I want friends to be able to pop over and come in, despite the crazily barking dog, anytime.

When someone comes over to pick me up, I want them to be able to come in the front door and walk into my kitchen.

I want to be social again. I want it more than anything in the world. I miss that part of me so very much. I'm getting there.

I still have to be cajoled to leave the house a little more than necessary, and too many people in a place still makes me want to turn tail and go home, but I'm working on it.

I'm also learning how to accept help from my friends. Despite the fact that I have lived in an eternal funk, I am always the helper. It was a little piece of me that I refused to let get completely consumed. Honestly, I will never get used to being on the other end, but I'm trying. And I appreciate the friends who are trying to help me.

Overall, I haven't written a post because I didn't know what to say. I thought I was back sliding, but it turns out that I was just having a "normal person" funk. Temporary.

~Kim

P.S. I've started writing another book. This one is non-fiction and I will release details here as the writing progresses. If you're a mother, you'll want to stay tuned....If you're not, it'll still be a fun ride!

I Am So Ridiculously Stressed Out...

...That I can't even tell what's working and what's not.

It's really that simple.

There is so much weighing me down right now, I'm not even sure a "normal" person wouldn't crack.

Yes it will all work itself out.

Yes I have survived this (almost) exact same thing.

Yes I know it's just a small thing in the scheme of things.

I know all of these things, but the weight. The responsibility. The fact that life is basically at a standstill because I cannot handle things immediately (and not for lack of trying or being overwhelmed and not doing anything, that's what put me in these situations).

I'm worried.

I'm stressed.

I'm tired.

~Kim

I'm A Transition Mom...

Yep, I am.

I have a man-child (no not my husband in this case), a wanna-be man child, and a pre-teen.

I'm am transitioning into three different stages of my children's lives.

There are so many days that I have no clue how I'm going to survive it.

No. Clue.

Between the "I am 18 and should get to do what I want, but I still want you to pay for stuff," and the "I got a job, I deserve a reward," (are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!) and the "I want to do all the stuff my older brothers do without the thought that I am 10 years old."

Yet, with all of that, they're still tattlers. Every single one of them will flip on the other in a heart beat...I don't even have to bribe any of them.

Oh! Oh! And not only the little stuff! They practically kill themselves getting to me to tell me about the big stuff.

I'm preparing one to transition to college. He's the one I'm going to talk about here.

He's starting his senior year of high school this fall. We've been looking at colleges, and some have been looking at him, too. He knows what he wants to go to school for, which blows my mind, but he doesn't know where he wants to go.

He had a revelation a few months ago when we were talking about transitioning to college.

Me: "How in the hell are you going to wake yourself up every day to go to class?"
Him: "You mean my RA won't do it?"

I sat there slack jawed and realized how little I've prepared him to be an adult.

Okay, how I have hardly prepared him to be an adult at all.

So, now I'm trying to make up for lost time. I'm coming down like a hammer. I'm standing my ground and trying to teach him responsibility.

Boy, did I miss the fucking boat on that one.

I'm trying, he's resisting. I'm losing my shit constantly.

Making up for lost time is hard. My advice to you parents with younger kids; don't make excuses. Don't put off teaching them the important things. Don't spoil them with no responsibility.

You'll thank me later!

~Kim

What advice do other transition mom's have?

We can all use all the help we can get!

I Guess It's Turning...

...into an every other day thing.

Yesterday, I joined (some of) my family to celebrate a birthday.

We drove two hours and had a marvelous time (while oldest stayed home like a stick in the mud with a list of chores to complete). I enjoyed myself. We laughed. We told stories. We ate. It was lovely.

Once I'm out of the house, I have a nice time (on most occasions). It's just hard to get out of the house.

That being said, in about a week, I get to go on an adventure. I'm picking up a boat load of books that a new friend picked up for me at a garage sale (all Stephen King. All hardback. I'm still squealing with glee) and she's promised an adventure. I'm actually excited!

It's so cool to feel excitement rather than dread. The coolest part is that it is for me. I don't do a lot of stuff for me. I used to think that was okay, but I'm beginning to realize how wrong I was.

I just need a few things to fall into place to make this wonderful adventure stress free.

I. Can't. Wait.

I woke up today with a headache. I didn't let that stop me. I took a couple of Advil and pressed on to do grown up stuff. I did it all with a smile on my face looking forward.

I know it's only been a little over two weeks (I have stopped counting days, it's just too daunting and too much disappointment), but I'm pretty sure the will be a med adjustment at my next visit.

There are still a ton of ups and downs. Too many, in my opinion (who has no medical background whatsoever) and I will tell her that when I see her in three or four weeks.

So, the best thing that this new joy, this something to look forward to has given me is the motivation to write. My mind has cleared, and my storytellers are starting to awaken again.

I can't think of a better reward than being able to sit down and write again.

~Kim

Ugh...That's All I've Got...

Really...It is.

My positivity is waning.

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to try to get yourself fired up every single day? To will a medication to be the answer?

It's fucking taxing and this motor has run out of gas.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it.

I've got thirteen days until the first thirty are in the books. I'm exasperated, really.

While I've done a few things and I am having more good days, I'm afraid they're self-inflicted and I'm not sure I can continue on.

For example, while I did take D and her friend swimming today at the local pool, I sat in bed until 11:00. I didn't want to go downstairs because I knew what my house looked like. I knew that I was going to have to fight the kids to get them to help do anything. I knew that I had no desire to do anything myself.

I did manage to throw in a load of laundry (crap gotta switch it to the dryer or it'll be stinky and I'll have to rewash it), but that's it.

I still haven't called the therapist that called me on the recommendation of my doctor. I'm not sure what's stopping me (shit, I just remembered something else I was supposed to do today! UGH!) because I KNOW I need that help, too. I just...I just can't make myself do it.

I'll be out tomorrow at a family thing. I'd rather send the kids and stay in bed, but that would be wrong and I know I'll have a nice time.

Son of a bitch. I'll set a reminder on my calendar for Monday, maybe I can get my shit together by then.

~Kim

I Promised Transparency...

...so here we go.

Yeah, I know it's STILL day...um...hang on...day...um...16 maybe...whatever. It's irrelevant.

I'm doing a lot of soul searching.

Trying to figure out what crappy habits need to go and what new habits need to be created is hard work.

Being honest with myself is hard as hell, too.

My drive to help the meds work is dwindling. Apparently, I can only be an optimist for so many consecutive days before I just say fuck it and go back to the old me. Not completely the old me, but a couple versions ahead. Maybe.

My brain fog has lifted some. My short term memory is still trash, but I'm assuming it'll come back around eventually. I can think more clearly. I can focus on things (most of the time) and give my full attention.

I'm still quick to anger. I still don't want to get out of bed about half the days of the week, but that's an improvement in itself. I still struggle to make myself take a shower. I still struggle to get off the couch to complete tasks about half the time. I go through energetic spurts where I get a shit load of stuff done and other days, not so much.

That last thing is really no different than before with the exception that they seem to happen more often than, say, once every 6 months. In 16 days, I've gotten a lot more done.

I'm NOT dealing with stress any better. I've got plenty of crappy stress rearing its ugly head and I just can't handle it. Where before,  I would completely shut down, now...Well, I don't completely shut down. I'm trying so hard to keep functioning through it.

I'm sleeping better. I've noticed that my body is getting tired earlier and that I'm going to sleep at a decent hour. This in-turn allows me to awaken at a decent hour and not feel completely exhausted.

I've also noticed a change in my appetite. I'm eating less and not in a "I gotta get skinny" kind of way. In a passive way. You know, I'm not constantly eating. Smaller meals, smaller portions, and it's happening in a completely organic way.

Eventually, I want to transition to Keto, but that's down the line a bit (I tried last month, but I couldn't do it...stress eating is a bitch).

So there it is...A little over the halfway point and there's what's changed, what hasn't, and other random things.

~Kim