The Agony of Defeat...

is a bitter pill.

Tonight I feel defeated. Not in a way where I actually lost anything. Not technically anyhow.

I'm in a constant battle with my ten year old. She makes some not-so-good decisions, deliberately does things she knows she's not supposed to do, and screams at me like I'm some lackey in a ship's bowels that isn't rowing fast enough.

Today, I broke.

I lost it completely.

She boxed up every single damn thing in her bedroom and I've moved it out.

Everything with the exception of the bed, clothing, and shoes.

As I hid upstairs and cried for at least a half an hour, all I could wonder is where I went wrong. How did I raise a little girl who just doesn't give a shit about getting into trouble, who has no respect for me, and no respect for the rest of the family?

I just don't understand it. I expected it in the teen years, because they all go through it, but she's only TEN! TEN!!!!

Tonight I was told that I hated her, she wants to go live with Gramma, that I should adopt another daughter who would be perfect, and that she's going to run away.

Talk about a knife to the heart.

I'm hanging tough this time. She was already grounded for a stunt she pulled earlier in the week and decided it was okay to not do what she was told to do and to mouth off.

Uh. No.

So, now, I'm the asshole mom (which I'm not good at because I don't like being the asshole mom).

She's down there asleep and I'm up here on the verge of tears again.

She's not the only reason that I'm on the verge of tears, but she's championing the cause.

I feel defeated. Really fucking defeated.

~Kim