Momming in an Atypical Marriage...

is atypical (didn't see that coming did you?).

I catch a lot of flack for my marriage. It's really none of anyone's business, but because people see our family doing it differently they feel the need to comment.

I'm an oilfield widow.

No no, my husband didn't die in the oilfields, he just works there...All.The.Time.

He's traveled all over the U.S. for work. For the last ten years, with the exception of about eightmonths, I've done the majority of married life alone. I jokingly call myself a married, single mother.

I hope that the actual single mothers don't take offense to this. What you do is nothing short of amazing. While some of you have amazing dads for your kids that provide and are being dads, a lot of you do it all on your own. I have no words for how incredible you women are. I mean to take absolutely nothing away from any of you.

What I've done, for what feels like forever, is manage a household, raise three children, for a time I went back to school, and work part time while my husband sacrifices so much so that I can stay home and do all of those things.

Really, this probably saved my life.

If you've read any of the last few posts around here, you know that I have been dealing with severe depression for a couple of decades. By dealing with, I mean existing and nothing more.

I have massive guilt for how much more I could have done for my kids if I was functioning like a normal human being, but I digress.

We've gone months without seeing each other. He missed out on tons of the kids' activities, successes, failures, and a ton of firsts. We often talk about the sacrifices women make for their children, but rarely do we approach the other side of the coin.

Expectations put on mothers set fathers up to sacrifice. We refer to them as baby sitters, but they shouldn't be. There are two people who created life, there should be two people who care for and own that responsibility. Dads should be able to be dads. They should be able to play Barbies with their daughters and teach their boys how to pee in the woods without prodding from Mom.

Our society is slowly changing and finally ALLOWING (that's crazy isn't it?) dads to be more than just "hunters and gatherers". It's allowing them to be sensitive and caring with their children, to take time from hunting and gathering to be there for the first weeks of new life, and most of all, it's allowing them to be more present than ever.

Most of the men will have to completely abandon what their father's taught them. You know, the "little lady in the kitchen with the immaculate house that don't say shit if they have a mouth full about anything."

That's going to take GENERATIONS! Seriously, generations! Now, don't get me wrong, there are some men who have already broken the mold, but it's a small sample. It's a social revolution that I'm excited that my own boys will be a part of.

~Kim

Broken Isn't Always...

What it seems.

Today my family becomes broken again.

We've had some crazy changes in the family in the last year.

My husband came home from the oilfields last year when the market tanked. He took a huge pay cut and it took a toll on our family.

We kept looking at the future. We're together! After years and years of being apart, we were finally together! What could go wrong?

I always joke that him working away from home kept our marriage together. We had our own rhythm, in our own ways. We drove each other absolutely insane for the first few months. We never fought (like in the old days), but you could tell we were on the edge.

We found a groove and the bills found a home. On my sofa table in my living room. Living got very tight. Functioning as we had before was a near impossibility. The kids had to sacrifice.

That's when we decided something needed to change.

The oilfields became viable again.

And today, well technically in the wee hours of tomorrow morning, he'll be gone again.

It's a real reality check for both of us. The kids will be able to resume their normal carefree lives (and before you lecture me, yes, I think if you can do it, your kids should be carefree!). I'll be able to pay the bills on time, but now we're all sacrificing in a different way.

People will judge what we decide is best for our family, and to those who do: I don't give a fuck what you think.

We've got a plan. I'm sure it's fluid, but we've got a plan. It's going to keep me busy. And the Patriarch to my Matriarch as well.

I hope the kids understand and remember the sacrifices we all made (them included) so they could have the lives that he and I think they deserve.

Parenting is hard. Being married is hard. Life is hard. Don't live in fear of what could be. Take the chances. Live the life. Love your significant other. And parent like a blind man in a china shop.

~Kim