Happy Friggin' Holidays...

...no really, happy holidays.

This is a very bipolar time of year for me. I love the holidays, the wonder, the joy, and the outpouring of support for those less fortunate. I hate the holidays, the money, the awkward forced family moments, and the greed.

Think of all the people who get injured, trampled, or even shot over a pair of 1 dollar flip-flops. What the hell is this country coming too? I mean really, is it worth going to jail or the hospital so you can have the latest video game? Is this what the holiday season has come to?

While our economy is still recovering from a nose-dive, we seem to find a way to spend 500 bucks on an XboX, Playstation, or iPad. Incurring debt for something that's going to have the "newer more improved" come out for the next holiday.

My kids want all of that stuff. My boys are older, so one big ticket item and then a few smaller, more practical things for Christmas, but Santa still exists for my little girl. While I know the "reason for the season," kids are still kids and they want stuff. It is what it is.

I see these wonderful stories of people teaching their children philanthropy, giving, and sacrifice. They're the perfect parent I always wanted to be, but couldn't quite get to. We talk about it, and, when I can, I donate to causes, but it's so hard.

That being said, I think I'm going to have to pull up my boot straps and stop being all whiny and get this season rolling.

I don't spend nearly enough time with my mom, even knowing how limited my time with her is. The holidays are a time when that happens a lot more. That's the thing I'm thankful for. As far as family, outside of my husband and my kids, she's all I have. She's the person I know I can count on, will bend over backwards to make sure I'm happy (still), and she will ALWAYS tell it like it is (whether I want to hear it or not).

The holidays always bring about a modicum of sadness for me. I miss my dad. It's another time I'm reminded he will never meet his son-in-law or his grandchildren. It's huge gap in my life that will never be filled.

The holiday season, for me, is a lot of reflection.

~Kim

The key to life is...

letting go.

It's not easy. "They" say worthwhile things never are, but in this case I think "they" are right.

I find myself so angry sometimes, then I sit down and realize I'm angry because I can't let go. I can't let go of a lot of things. I can't let go of my dad, even though he's been gone nearly 30 years. I can't let go of the dysfunction in my marriage. I can't let go of trust issues. I can't let go of fear. The list of things I can't let go could go on for pages.

So now that you know I'm guilty, it's ok for you to admit you can't let go of things either.

Really, it's ok. We're human, every single one of us. We all have faults, they're all different, but they exist.

I hear a lot of "Let go and let God." That bugs me. It's probably because I'm not a particularly religious person. I have trouble with faith. Turning my worries over to an existential being seems far fetched, to say the least. I had my faith shaken when I was very young, and it's never been the same.

I've hit the point of "who gives a fuck." I'm indifferent or angry. I can't remember the last time I felt true happiness. Sure, I smile and laugh with my friends, but, unfortunately, it's a band-aid.

So here I am, a self-aware woman, with no solution. I know the problem, but I cannot figure out how to solve it. I read things, I think about things, hell, I even try to do things once in a while, but I can't find the solution.

I feel broken.

I haven't lived a particularly hard life. I grew up upper-middle class. The hardships I did have (with the exception of my father's death and some of the problems in my marriage) were brought on myself. Poor choices and immaturity took their toll.

As I mature (and yep at almost 40 I'm still maturing), I find that I know what the problems are, but I sit empty handed on fixing them.

I like fixing things. When I can't fix something, I usually take a hammer to it to break it the rest of the way. Realizing that isn't a "healthy" solution, I'm stuck.

Life is like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe, my shoe can never completely never let go of the gum.

~Kim

Don We Now...

...Our gay apparel.

One small change can cause an uproar (just ask Hallmark).

I was raised in an era where everyone that wasn't hetero was in the closet. I never understood why it mattered. I suppose it's the same reason I never understood why it mattered what color your skin is or what country you come from.

We all bleed red. Everyone looks the same on the inside. We're all human. I've heard these arguments again and again when it comes to the recent human rights fight.

What I haven't heard is other than religious beliefs, why it's so bad to be gay (blanket term here covering lesbians as well).

"Because God said so," isn't a valid argument when it comes to human rights, especially in the United States. This union was formed because of oppression, so why do we continue to oppress?

Degrading a human being because they are different than you are is something that God would condone? Hello? *tap tap* Is anybody there? Did I lose you?

I'm all for everyone having an opinion on the matter. Absolutely, but can't we all agree that hurting another human being, regardless of differentiating views, beliefs etc., is wrong?

Does it directly affect you if two men or two women want to marry? I don't understand the ostracizing of other people for any reason. Any.

If it is so that people choose to be gay (which by the way I disagree with) and by that definition, can be changed, it's the same with everything. I choose to be spiritual, but not go to church. So if you sent me to a "camp," I could be changed to go to church every day. Would it be because that's what I wanted or would it be because I've heard it so much that I gave in to it?

This post has a lot of talk about religion in it because I've never heard an argument against gay marriage that wasn't related to a religious belief.

Maybe I'm too laid back. Maybe the thought that EVERYONE deserves happiness is out of left field. 

As a nation of free thinkers, why do we think everyone should be the same? How boring is that! 

~Kim

Wow, Sometimes I...

...amaze myself. I've been writing (albeit sporadically at points) for a little over a year now, and I still keep writing.

The reason it's so amazing is because I'm TERRIFIED of failing.

Of course, I write for myself, but I write for others too. I write with the hope that I can touch someone's life just when they need it. I have no idea if I do or not, but honestly, I need that gratification.

We all need gratification. Everyone needs an "attaboy" once in a while. It's how we know we've succeeded. Helps justify our hard work, boost our confidence, as well as our self esteem.

Regardless of what people say, we DO care what other people think. We DO need approval. When we don't get it, we think we've failed, regardless of the truth to the situation.

I love to write, it is my joy. It's fulfilling and it's an outlet for my brain (which never ever seems to shut up). It's not the only thing I'm afraid of failing at. I'm afraid of failing as a parent, a friend, a wife, a daughter. I hold myself to a pretty high standard, but rarely do I feel I hit the mark.

There are shining moments of "I'm so proud of you," or "I love you, Mom!" (this is a bonus I get from my oldest once in a while and it gives me the warm fuzzy of success), but there are also so many moments of silence.

I don't feel needy. I don't think I'm high maintenance. I think I've become so low maintenance that I stopped seeking acceptance. I've drawn so far inside myself that functioning has become a job in itself.

I wrap myself in my kids, their activities, their education, like any good mom should. The difference is, I'm ONLY Mom. I'm not Wife (like I should be), I'm not Daughter, but most of all, I'm not Kim.

Finding joy is hard. Failing is even harder. I suppose when we fail, it's merely the universe telling us that's not what we're meant for.

I've got a flashlight, and I'm searching in the dark for success.

~Kim

A little more about Amanda...

...the author of Welcome to Africa, the featured blog this week.

Q:Tell the readers a little bit about yourself:

Amanda: I grew up in South Bend and lived there my whole life.  I never had any interest in Uganda or Africa growing up.  I studied Spanish in college and taught high school Spanish for 2 years before moving to Uganda.  I loved Mexico and had travelled there several times and thought I would end up there.  I grew up believing in Jesus but didn’t give my life to Him until I was 27.  I love to hear people’s stories and my favorite books are always biographies. 

Q:How did you find the calling to go help these boys in Africa?

Amanda: I wasn’t happy the whole time that I was teaching and was starting to look for a way out.  I decided on going back to school for a PhD so I could work for a large aid organization.  I was originally interested in hunger issues and peace studies until I heard a former child soldier speak.  I was so captivated by him and after reading his book (A long way gone by Ishmael Beah) my heart broke.  I realized it was the people that poured into his life and helped him to escape the war that made the difference for him.  I started researching child soldiers and came across Uganda.  For some reason, Uganda stuck and I became obsessed with going.  A little while after, a girl from Notre Dame came to my classroom to speak about her study abroad experiences and mentioned she was in Uganda.  I told her I wanted to go and she put me in contact with a girl she knew there that was working with streetkids.  The original plan was to go for a month just to see if I liked it.  Many things happened that year of teaching and during the summer and I felt like God was confirming that I should quit my job, take a leap of faith and go.  So I decided to go for a year and left November 2010.  I still was very much interested in child soldiers and was planning to make the connections once I got in country.  However, once I started working with the boys on the street, there was no going anywhere else.  I fell hopelessly and madly in love with them and knew I needed to do something more.  Most of the boys I connected with were older and no one was doing anything for them.  Once a boy is 12 or so on the street, his chances of ever getting off almost completely disappear.  I knew that I couldn’t come back to the States and leave them on the street when I had the chance to help them.  I forgot about school because I realized I didn’t need another degree to do something good with my life.  So I left after 10 months to fundraise and start paperwork for a nonprofit in the US.  I officially opened the home in January of 2012 with 8 boys, but now we have 23. 

Q: What is the biggest thing you learned about yourself through your adventures?

Amanda: I learned how completely helpless I am.  I learned that I cannot rely on my own strength because at the end of the day, I will screw it all up.  I love the boys more than anything but I do the wrong things, say the wrong things, alone I am not enough.  I learned how to completely surrender everything over to God and see miracles as a result. 

Q: What is the one thing you’d like people to know about your work there?

Amanda: I want people to know that these boys are just kids, even though they are older.  Just because they are not cute babies or the next big movement, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a second chance or help.  There are so many street kids all over the world but even though they are kids they have somehow become invisible and expendable.  I don’t think it should be ok with any of us that there are children sleeping on the streets alone, with empty stomachs, wondering if they will make it through another night.  These boys were robbed of their childhood and suffered more than most people can ever dream.  They had to raise themselves on the streets and quickly learn to survive or else parish.  They have been hurt and disappointed so many times in their short lives, but still they are willing to love.  It has taken a lot of time and patience to build relationships with these boys but it has been worth the effort.  I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life.  I feel like I am the lucky one to have them in my life because life is so much better with them in it.

Q: What is your favorite thing about Africa (aside from the boys)?

Amanda: There are so many things that I love but one of the best is people’s hospitality and helpfulness.  If you are lost on the street and ask someone for directions, it is not unusual for the person to stop what they are doing and take you to the place you need to be.  Also to be super clichéd, I love looking at the sky especially at night.  The starts are so bright and so many.  I can just look at it forever and marvel that God created something so beautiful and placed each star in the sky, yet He loves me even more.

Q: Pick one thing that you think would make the world, as a whole, a better place:

Amanda: I think the world would be a better place if people cared more about people than they do things.  If we cared that there were people suffering all over the world, even in our neighborhood, and not about having the newest car or electronic gadget, there would be less people suffering.  There are enough resources in this world to take care of everyone, but we don’t like to share.  If we did, the world would look very different.

Author's note: All interview answers are left uneditted and are straight from the "horse's mouth" so to speak. It's absolutely amazing where our lives take us, no matter how we get there. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did!

~Kim

Featuring Blogs...

is awesome! 

I've decided that I'm going to start featuring a blog every week that I enjoy reading or have run across that has interesting stuff. If you have a blog you'd like featured, feel free to inbox me.

 

This week's featured blog is Welcome to Africa. It is written by a friend who followed their calling and is doing amazing things! Very humbling and insightful!

~Kim

If You're On The Back Burner...

It's time to light a fire under your ass.

I find myself putting everything before me. EVERYTHING.

Of course, there are somethings that I can't avoid, but putting myself close to the front of the line isn't my strong point.

With the hustle and bustle of daily life, sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. We forget that we have emotional, physical, and spiritual needs that have to be met. The biggest problem with that is by the time we realize we've ignored those things, it's very difficult to get them balanced again. Overwhelming, even.

It takes a lot of time and energy to focus on our own needs, which is usually depleted by focusing on the needs of those around us.

I can hear you saying, "I don't want to be selfish!" It's not about being selfish, it's about making sure you're the best person you can be for the people in your life.

It's okay to take some time away from your family once in a while. It's okay to be needy when it comes you emotional support. It's okay to have a spiritual check up. It's also okay to say "No" once in a while.

I have a problem with all of those things. I tend to over extend myself a lot. I know why I do it. I play Mom and Dad most of the time. I'm an involved parent. I'm also the wife of a man who, despite our issues, I love and want to support in everything he does. Unless I cannot function, my physical needs are not met, at all.

I'm not going to proclaim that I'm going to change all of those things, but I hope that I can give myself a break once in a while (and that you can too) now that this is out there in the universe.

The Invisible Man is invisible, not invincible.

~Kim

Bullying is...

what you make of it. There's bullies raised by bullies. There's people who say mean things because that's what they hear at home. There's bullies who hit people because that's what they see at home.

There have been bullies since the beginning of time. What needs to change is how the victims of bullying deal with being bullied. Obviously, we can't expect our schools (in the case of children) or workplaces (yes, there are adult bullies too) to take care of them. Zero tolerance policies in schools are laughable, and quite frankly, adults should be able to handle themselves.

My son often comes home complaining of kids making fun of his last name. I always cheerfully explain to him he has a last name that can be funny and people will tease and joke about it the rest of his life. It's just a name, no big deal. He also has "friends" that say things to him that are mean spirited and when we talk about it, I always ask him, "Are you those things?"

His answer is usually no. Then we talk about how if somebody is trying to hurt you by saying things about you that you're not, you need to learn to just let it go. You know the truth and that's all there is to it.

So when someone says something about you, ask yourself, "Am I those things?" If the answer is no, then why do you care? If the answer is yes, then it's time for some introspection.

Most of all, (especially in the case of children) they need to talk about it. They need to talk to someone that they trust and someone who won't go nuts with the "I'm gonna beat someone" attitude.

Be proactive, not reactive. Learn how to deal with negativity, teach those around you how to deal with negativity. TALK TO EACH OTHER.

We're losing that in our society. No one wants to talk to each other, they'd rather talk AT each other. Learn how to listen.

There's something to "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

~Kim

Life is a highway...

filled with prioritizing.

Everyone's priorities are different. There's one priority that should top everyone's list: Being Happy. People tend to forget that one. It gets lost in things such as; money, relationships, or stuff.

Most people feel that in order to achieve the goal of being happy they need money, relationships and stuff. I'm in that category too.

Even though I consciously know that those things don't make me happy, I still strive for those things.

There are so many things we "have" to do that the things we "want" to do get pushed to the back burner.

For example, I find my happiness in writing, but I have three busy children. It makes me happy when they're happy, but making them happy (and keeping them that way) is an exhausting process (and usually cuts into what I need to make myself happy). I spend most of my time frustrated because things didn't go the way I had planned and one (or all) of them are unhappy.

This makes me realize that my happiness CANNOT be dependent on someone else's, even if they're the loves of my life.

The other conundrum is: You cannot make other people happy if you're not happy.

It's true.

Making other people happy might work for a short high, but eventually you're left with yourself.

There are ways to your own happiness, but no one can tell you what they are. Soul searching is the only way.

If your number one priority is your happiness, all of the other priorities in your life will fall into place.

Every cloud has a silver lining, just remember that silver is the best conductor of electricity; results may be shocking!

~Kim