The key to life is...

letting go.

It's not easy. "They" say worthwhile things never are, but in this case I think "they" are right.

I find myself so angry sometimes, then I sit down and realize I'm angry because I can't let go. I can't let go of a lot of things. I can't let go of my dad, even though he's been gone nearly 30 years. I can't let go of the dysfunction in my marriage. I can't let go of trust issues. I can't let go of fear. The list of things I can't let go could go on for pages.

So now that you know I'm guilty, it's ok for you to admit you can't let go of things either.

Really, it's ok. We're human, every single one of us. We all have faults, they're all different, but they exist.

I hear a lot of "Let go and let God." That bugs me. It's probably because I'm not a particularly religious person. I have trouble with faith. Turning my worries over to an existential being seems far fetched, to say the least. I had my faith shaken when I was very young, and it's never been the same.

I've hit the point of "who gives a fuck." I'm indifferent or angry. I can't remember the last time I felt true happiness. Sure, I smile and laugh with my friends, but, unfortunately, it's a band-aid.

So here I am, a self-aware woman, with no solution. I know the problem, but I cannot figure out how to solve it. I read things, I think about things, hell, I even try to do things once in a while, but I can't find the solution.

I feel broken.

I haven't lived a particularly hard life. I grew up upper-middle class. The hardships I did have (with the exception of my father's death and some of the problems in my marriage) were brought on myself. Poor choices and immaturity took their toll.

As I mature (and yep at almost 40 I'm still maturing), I find that I know what the problems are, but I sit empty handed on fixing them.

I like fixing things. When I can't fix something, I usually take a hammer to it to break it the rest of the way. Realizing that isn't a "healthy" solution, I'm stuck.

Life is like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe, my shoe can never completely never let go of the gum.

~Kim