Wow, Sometimes I...

...amaze myself. I've been writing (albeit sporadically at points) for a little over a year now, and I still keep writing.

The reason it's so amazing is because I'm TERRIFIED of failing.

Of course, I write for myself, but I write for others too. I write with the hope that I can touch someone's life just when they need it. I have no idea if I do or not, but honestly, I need that gratification.

We all need gratification. Everyone needs an "attaboy" once in a while. It's how we know we've succeeded. Helps justify our hard work, boost our confidence, as well as our self esteem.

Regardless of what people say, we DO care what other people think. We DO need approval. When we don't get it, we think we've failed, regardless of the truth to the situation.

I love to write, it is my joy. It's fulfilling and it's an outlet for my brain (which never ever seems to shut up). It's not the only thing I'm afraid of failing at. I'm afraid of failing as a parent, a friend, a wife, a daughter. I hold myself to a pretty high standard, but rarely do I feel I hit the mark.

There are shining moments of "I'm so proud of you," or "I love you, Mom!" (this is a bonus I get from my oldest once in a while and it gives me the warm fuzzy of success), but there are also so many moments of silence.

I don't feel needy. I don't think I'm high maintenance. I think I've become so low maintenance that I stopped seeking acceptance. I've drawn so far inside myself that functioning has become a job in itself.

I wrap myself in my kids, their activities, their education, like any good mom should. The difference is, I'm ONLY Mom. I'm not Wife (like I should be), I'm not Daughter, but most of all, I'm not Kim.

Finding joy is hard. Failing is even harder. I suppose when we fail, it's merely the universe telling us that's not what we're meant for.

I've got a flashlight, and I'm searching in the dark for success.

~Kim