Today is the day..

...that my life begins (hopefully) a transformation.

I've battled depression for as long as I can remember. Literally, I cannot remember a time where there wasn't something at least nagging at the back of my mind, even on the "good days".

Today, I popped my first pill.

After my doctor's visit yesterday (the first one in at least 20 years that didn't have to do with childbirth), I went to pick up my prescription.

Now, for me, I've never had any thoughts of suicide or how my family would be better without me.

For me, my kids were my life line. They were the reason that I kept going. I knew they needed me, even if it was a shitty version of me.

I'm ever so thankful for them. They saved my life 100 times over, I'm sure.

So, this first day, I have hope. I have hope that getting out of bed every day won't always be a chore. I have hope that somewhere down the line, I can get into the shower every day. I have hope that I can find my social personality again. I have hope that I can learn to handle stress and find coping mechanisms that are healthier. I have hope that the act of function is no longer mentally painful every day. Hope that I can control my emotions instead of letting them control me.

I know I won't see a difference for a while. As my doc said "It's not a miracle pill," but it's given me something I haven't had in a long time.

Hope.

Depression takes on many forms. There are some people who will read this that know me and will be shocked.

"I had no idea! You always seem so happy and confident!"

It's like anything else in life, you learn when you need to hide it and when it's okay to let it out.

I'm going to try to post for the next 30 days about how I'm feeling and thinking. I want to see my own transformation, the good and the bad, and I'm hoping these posts will reach someone who needs to see them.

Here's to hope!

~Kim