Mordant Matriarch Podcast Episode 2 Transcript

Podcast can be found here: Mordant Matriarch Episode 2


Welcome to Episode 2 of The Mordant Matriarch Podcast.

 I’m your host, Kim, the matriarch extraordinaire.

 A complete transcript of this is available at www.mordantmatriarch.blogspot.com

Let’s talk support. We all need it, but we don’t all do it. We should, but we’re all swimming upstream. That’s what makes being a woman and a mother (and whatever other hat you may be wearing) so damn difficult.

We’re expected to be stronger than a man, but not to show it. We’re expected to run a household, but never complain about it. We’re expected to have the best-behaved children, but only in the way that someone else thinks is right.

Am I right? I mean seriously, how can there possibly be ONE RIGHT WAY to raise children. Look around you (if you’re out in public this will work, if you’re at home, like me, not so much. go browse your woman friends’ Facebook photos for reference), does every person you see even LOOK like you, let alone hold your same beliefs and values? Does that make them wrong?

Uh. No!

That’s the beauty of life. We’re all different! We were all raised differently, by different types of families. Sometimes playing by the rules doesn’t even work and we’re stuck in the middle of this sea of confusion and information without a lifeline because everyone is so concerned about lending a hand. Sadly, it’s not even lending a hand that’s the problem. Mothers are afraid to ask for help because instead of the support they need, they’re more likely to be judged about what they’re doing.

I will never understand why women, in general, don’t try to stick together.

You co-sleep? Wow, I could never do that. You’re a bad ass.

You’re baby has been sleeping in her crib since day one? Damn! That’s awesome!

Look how easy it is! LOOK!

Oh and shall I mention the breast feeding in public lack of support. Why should a woman feel like she has to stay locked in her home because someone might be offended that her child is hungry? Come the eff on. No one wants to eat in a bathroom. If you’re offend YOU go eat there. Instead of offering support to the mom who is just trying to live as normal a life as possible for a mom. How hard is it to not look at boobs or to say anything like “You’re amazing! I can’t imagine how hard it must be to get out of the house.” And buy her some freaking lunch.

Women have been so catty, like it’s some competition of “Who’s doing it righter”. It’s not. If you see a mom struggling, reach out. Tell her it’s going to be alright, even if you don’t know that it is. Share your survival story. Let her know she’s not in the trenches alone. Do NOT under any circumstances offer her advice on her situation. She just needs to hear a kind voice. You never know if you’re the only person who’s taken the time to make her feel better.

It doesn’t take much effort to be kind and that’s the type of support we need!

Today’s rant:

You know, if you’re feeding your child, it’s none of my business. I don’t care if it’s bottled breastmilk, bottled formula, milk straight from the tit, or even a baby formula bong (okay not the last one.), fed is best. Also, I don’t care WHERE you do it. In Target, the mom mecca, in Wal-mart, in a restaurant, in your car, in your house, on the roof (which probably isn’t safe but you get the point). It doesn’t matter!

Did you hear me? IT DOES NOT MATTER!

If someone has the balls to say something about you breastfeeding in public, I hope they trip over a non-existent crack and break their nose so they have to look weird in public. Because, quite frankly, that’s weirder than seeing someone do something that comes naturally. Women have been doing it for CENTURIES. This isn’t a new thing. Got a problem with horse tits? How about engorged goat boobies? If you’re the one making snide remarks, do you do the same when you see other animals do it? No. You probably go aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww how cute. I mean aside from the fact that it would be unsanitary to have farm animals in a restaurant, (you gotta look past that) you wouldn’t even think it was a big deal…And if you did, please don’t breed.

 So, I say FEED EM OR BUST!

 Completely intended that pun.

Judged Me:

So, since I’m new and no one has been brave enough to send me their stories (which would be completely anonymously purveyed), I’ll give you a special insight into my world. Again. Eventually, you’ll get bored and send me something about you.

Here goes.

I am my worst critic.

Sure, I’ve gotten judged by others…a lot…but in reality, I’m the worst.

Every single decision I make, I’m second guessing and I’ve had to make some major decisions for my kids. Decisions I hope none of you ever have to make.

I’m currently judging the hell out of myself for how a handled a massively screwed up situation that happened within our family. I have no idea if I handled it right. Only time will tell, and I’m not sure I’ll live that long. The mom guilt is real. Imagine if I had my own mom guilt, and someone judged me. (Oh and they totally would if they knew what was going on)

I guess the point of this rant is…stop judging each other knowing that we all judge ourselves. No one needs anymore negativity in their lives!

Want to share your stories? Send an email to mordantmatriarch@gmail.com with “Judged Me” in the subject line. All stories will be shared anonymously. You’re welcome to sign them however you like. (i.e. Judy Judged A Lot or Can’t We Be Friends) The only time you will ever hear from me is when your story is going to air.

Dear Matriarch:

So, this episode’s question was sent in by Agonized by Adolescent Absurdity.

She wants to know “Why the hell do teens do stupid stuff?”

Dear Agonized,

Funnily, you’re in the right place. The scientific answer is because their frontal lobes, which houses logic, isn’t fully developed until into their 20s.

My take on it is that we’ve become such an instant gratification society that they don’t even think of the consequences of their actions before they do something completely off the wall. For example, we all know that our kids are smart enough to not eat damn laundry detergent, yet here were are having to remind them that it could kill them. And the whole reason this is even an issue is because someone became social media famous who did it.

Social media is the epicenter for teens who want anything; sympathy, empathy, fame, ideas, you name it, they can find it on social media. AND it’s in the palm of their hands. They can take their access to everything anywhere they go.

So, just keep treading water, Agonized. We’re not the first ones to go through this, and we won’t be the last. I long for the days when the phone was attached to the wall and if you wanted to say something there were 3 ways; over the phone, in a note, or in person and if you did something stupid, millions of people didn’t get to watch it, they either had to be there or hear about it 2nd hand (or 3rd hand etc) until it became so legendary no one would dare try it.

Dear Matriarch is the mother of advice spots. You can ask me anything. I can’t promise I’ll see things the way you do, but I can promise I will always be honest.

I will also provide you with facts if need be.

Have a question that you want answered? Send it to mordantmatriarch@gmail.com with “Dear Matriarch” in the subject line. The only time you will ever hear from me is when your question is airing.

So that’s it. That’s a wrap as “they” say in the business…whatever business that is.

Today’s podcast was sponsored by The ADHD Quilter. Custom creations for everyone. www.theadhdquilter.com  If you can dream it she can do it. Incidentally, that’s me because no one else knows this podcast exists.

If you’re interested in sponsoring an episode, send an email to mordantmatriarch@gmail.com with “Sponsor” in the subject line and we’ll work something out!

One last thing before I go. I do this for free. I’m too small for sponsors and I don’t want a ton of ads across my site so if you’d like to help a sister out, there is a “Donate” button on the website. It will help keep me from having to do all those things I complain about on other sites.

Thanks for listening! See you next time.

So, I Started...

...this little podcast.

I'm not sure why. I don't have time to do anything else.

Aside from my sewing venture (www.theadhdquilter.com), I'm also dealing with a massive shit show.

Something happened that has changed my family forever and it feels never ending.

So what do I do? I start a podcast, of course. Distraction is good for the soul and man, do I need distraction.

Amongst trying to instill normalcy in this household, manage 2 different spring breaks, finances, doctor's visits, get a sewing business off the ground, I decide it would be a good idea.

It's fun though. I like it. (I hope you do too)

I'll be back with another post soon about how things are going around here. I know you're just dying to know!

When all else fails, put more on your plate!

~Kim

I'm Super Excited...

...for a movie that releases next week.

It's a grown-up movie!

I know! How exciting that there is NO animation!

The Dark Tower is based on my favorite series on the planet; The Dark Tower by Stephen King. I'm also awaiting the release with much trepidation.

This epic series delivers so much that I'm not sure the movie can even remotely compete.

I've been having conversations with friends who are excited for the movie and are going in with an open mind. I'm struggling to do so.

So many major things are different. The main character, for example, is completely different visually in the movie than he is in the book.

While I understand this is a "sequel" to the series, I just don't understand the direction.

So, I'm dragging my best friend to the movie, going in with an open mind (as open as I can pry it with a mental pry bar), and hoping for the best.

I'll let you know. I know you'll be waiting with bated breath.

The reason this made the blog is because I get to go out WITHOUT KIDS!!!! I'm so super excited that it's kind of ridiculous!

~Kim

Parenting In A...

...depressive state is hard.

It's day six. I'm impressed with myself. I have managed to remember to take my pill every morning.

That in itself is a monumental achievement, but I've had some other milestones.

Yesterday, I left my house.

I walked with the drama queen down to the local park to watch the fireworks. I even talked to people face to face.

I know, right?! It's a miracle!

Okay, that might be going a little far, but it's something. I always enjoy my time out of the house, but I have the hardest time making myself leave. This time, I didn't.

Hallelujah for small victories!

I even went preemptive and put my bursitis cream on my hip before we left so I wouldn't be writhing in pain the whole time we were gone. F.Y.I. the max on that is about four hours because I thought I was going to die by the time we got home last night. (And I still can't believe at 43 I have bursitis! What the hell?!)

This morning, I had to deal with a not so pleasant part of parenting. I was dreading it. I really was, but I handled it.

Now, my kid knows that I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect him to take ownership when he fucks up.

I don't freak out about stuff very often. I'm a pretty laid back parent. Usually, when I have the freak out moments, it's because one of the kids has decided to freak out themselves.

I had a moment like that this morning. After a calm conversation about what happened, why it was wrong, how my trust is blown at the moment, and the consequences, there was a moment when I asked for the phone (grounded 1 week from it) and he yelled "Stop rushing me!"

I looked at him, baffled that this child, who had just gotten into serious trouble, thought it was okay for him to yell at me regarding his punishment. He then threw said phone and punched the wall and yelled "This is bull shit!"

I sprang up and called him back and we went at it, but I noticed something. The feeling was different. I wasn't so mad I couldn't see straight. It was a controlled anger. I could control it. I didn't feel like I wanted to put his head into the wall. I backed down. I let him go and gather himself.

He did. He came back and asked if he could talk to me. And we did.

There were tears on both ends, but there was good conversation.

I feel like that was a big victory.

Huge.

Today, it will turn out okay. My hope is regenerated.

~Kim

Today is the day..

...that my life begins (hopefully) a transformation.

I've battled depression for as long as I can remember. Literally, I cannot remember a time where there wasn't something at least nagging at the back of my mind, even on the "good days".

Today, I popped my first pill.

After my doctor's visit yesterday (the first one in at least 20 years that didn't have to do with childbirth), I went to pick up my prescription.

Now, for me, I've never had any thoughts of suicide or how my family would be better without me.

For me, my kids were my life line. They were the reason that I kept going. I knew they needed me, even if it was a shitty version of me.

I'm ever so thankful for them. They saved my life 100 times over, I'm sure.

So, this first day, I have hope. I have hope that getting out of bed every day won't always be a chore. I have hope that somewhere down the line, I can get into the shower every day. I have hope that I can find my social personality again. I have hope that I can learn to handle stress and find coping mechanisms that are healthier. I have hope that the act of function is no longer mentally painful every day. Hope that I can control my emotions instead of letting them control me.

I know I won't see a difference for a while. As my doc said "It's not a miracle pill," but it's given me something I haven't had in a long time.

Hope.

Depression takes on many forms. There are some people who will read this that know me and will be shocked.

"I had no idea! You always seem so happy and confident!"

It's like anything else in life, you learn when you need to hide it and when it's okay to let it out.

I'm going to try to post for the next 30 days about how I'm feeling and thinking. I want to see my own transformation, the good and the bad, and I'm hoping these posts will reach someone who needs to see them.

Here's to hope!

~Kim

I Love Mornings...

that are full of chaos!

Okay, no, I really don't.

This morning was atypical. The little one is convinced she sprained her ankle last week, so we wrapped it up last night before bed (I made a concession usually I don't feed the hypochondria). Nothing to pin the ACE bandage with, so I neatly tucked it into itself and had her put on a long sock to keep it in place. Viola!

Then the cough medicine, because when she has a slight cough, in her mind, it's the Bubonic Plague and she's dying.

Fast forward to this morning...I should have known when I woke up, all hell was going to break loose because B was already up and watching Furious 7. Rarely does he wake up before me. Usually, it takes an act of God to get him out of bed in the morning (or some water...or an air horn).

I was in the downstairs bathroom and the little one woke up, went upstairs to my bathroom, then proceeds to fall down the last five steps...While I'm stuck on the toilet...She's screaming, B's screaming at her trying to get her to hear him, and I'm yelling from the bathroom because I have NO idea what's going on out there!

I finally get out of the bathroom, she's in her bed, in the dark, under a blanket, not making a sound. Nothing. No sobbing, no breathing hard, nothing.

So I say, "Are you okay?"

*silence*

"D! Are you okay?!"

Meekly, "Yes,"

"What happened?"

"I don't know. I fell down the steps."

"How many?"

"I don't know."

"All of them?"

"No."

"Most of them?"

"I don't know."

She's fine, her butt's a little sore, but she's fine.

Then B walks out the door for school. I look at him and he's wearing all K's clothes. We've had the conversation, nay, discussion, nay, screaming match on several occasions about not going into his brother's room while he's at school and borrowing his clothes a bazillion and a half times.

"How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of your brother's room and to STOP wearing his clothes?" I screech after him as he's walking away to go to school.

He ignores me. Big surprise.

Fast forward a little more (this portion was uneventful and boring YAY!) and my phone rings as I'm loading D into the car to take her to school.

Quietly, "Mom?"

"Hey, what's up?"

"Can you bring me a pair of pants? These have a hole in them."

*laughter* *snorting* *chortling*

"Mom?"

*takes a deep breath* *loses it again*

"You'll have to wait until after I drop D off at school."

"Okay." *click*

HAHAHAHAHA Karma! I love you so dearly right now...

Get D to school, drop off the pants, drop off treats I had promised some classes at the middle school, and I get back in the car to four missed phone calls.

One was The Patriarch and the other three were D. First voicemail she left was forty-seven seconds of silence. The second was something like this:

"Hi Mommy. You forgot *forced cough* to give me my cough medicine before I left for school. Can you *forced cough* please bring it up to school? I love you. Bye."

Seriously? My little hypochondriac is getting ridiculously out of control.

So what do I do? Go home, get the cough syrup, and go to the school to give it to her.

Why? Because I'm a sucker.

Meanwhile, I'm talking to my exhausted husband who had been working for forty-eight hours and just finally returned to his out of town apartment to eat, shower, and sleep. My head cold is in full swing and I'm bitching to him about how I'm tired and the kids are driving me nuts. He laughs and tells me he loves me.

I love him too, but I'm a little jealous that he gets to go to a quiet apartment and doesn't have to clean up all the crap that's piled up for the three days I was sick.

My kids. My husband. My life.

Never dull!

~Kim

photo credit: Medical (license)
Jeans (license)

I'll Just Turn Off the WiFi...

"That's okay, I'll just use my phone," responds one teen.

"How am I supposed to know when the guys are at the park?" queries the other.

"My Kindle won't work!" squeals the girl.

Go outside and play. Go get dirty. Get sweaty. Swim. Play basketball.

"It's too hot out," states one child.

"You turned off the WiFi so I have no way of knowing where my friends are," complains another.

"I want go to to Gramma's," demands the third.

I try to think back to when I was a kid.

I lived on 3 acres with my nearest neighbor (who didn't even have kids my age) about a quarter of a mile away.

I had woods, a pond, a dairy farm across the street, and acres of play area. I read books, I played pretend, I mowed the grass (on a riding lawn mower so it was more fun than work!). I probably complained as much as my own kids do. Except there was only one of me.

Now I have to watch who they're talking to on social media. I have to explain to them over and over again (because Heaven forbid any of them actually listen the FIRST time) about the dangers of predators who are not who they say they are.

I can't just drop them off at the mall, they could get shot. I can't let them go to the park until the street lights come on because I have to worry about them getting robbed. Even letting them walk to a friend's house incites a twenty minute conversation about being aware of your surroundings.

What the hell has the world come to?

"Never mind, I'll turn the WiFi back on."

~Kim