Mordant Matriarch Podcast Episode 3 Transcript

Podcasts can be found here: Mordant Matriarch Episode 3

Welcome to The Mordant Matriarch Podcast Episode 3.

I’m your host, Kim, Matriarch extraordinaire.

You can find the full transcript of this episode at www.mordantmatriarch.blogspot.com.

We talk a lot about what other people do and don’t do when it comes to “momming”, but you rarely hear what mothers have to do themselves.

Yeah, I know that we all bitch (out loud to other women) about having to be the maid, the nurse, the chef, and everything else we have on our plate. But let’s talk about households out loud.

We’ll start out exploring single moms. I’m as close to a single mom as a married woman can get. The only thing that I don’t do that they do is work a full time job while doing everything else. Please, don’t take that as an insult, single mommas. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you ladies are fucking warriors! Some of you don’t even get child support from your children’s dad or dads in any way whatsoever. Which I think is completely bull shit, but that’s for another podcast.

Not only do you do all of the physical stuff, you’re solely responsible for their mental health as well.

If something goes south, you’re the one that deals with the fallout. Consoling your child or chastising him/her. Providing discipline if your kid is on the doling end of trouble. All the while dealing with your own feelings on every situation. Some of you have familial support, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc., but some of you don’t. Even sometimes familial support isn’t enough because everyone has a different point of view than a mom. This is when you need a best friend. Someone that you can tell your secrets to, your feelings, or just breakdown. Sadly, not everyone has this either.

Now on to married moms/moms in relationships. You have a husband/boyfriend or a wife/girlfriend who should be your greatest supporter. You’ve had children together, you’re a team, right? In some cases, that’s very true! Your significant other is in the trenches with you through everything. Some of you have the yin to your yang. You fit together like perfect puzzle pieces, but even so, mothers view everything differently than fathers (if you’re married to a wife or with a girlfriend, I can’t speak to how that works out because I know it’s like a typical relationship in a lot of ways, but I’m not sure how the empathy and nurturing is different or the same). I’m sure there’s something physio that explains it, but I’m not even sure scientists can pinpoint what it is. Regardless of what we’d like to have our male spouses (again I can only speak to this) be like, they’ll never have the same bond a mother has with her child. They’ll rarely be the one to shoulder the heaviest of loads, I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s rare.

Whether we want to believe it or not, our society is still staunchly patriarchal. It’s not as black and white as the 50’s, but it’s still there. We, as women, are working to change the tide, but it’s a long row to hoe. We’ve allowed men to be the bread winners, the hunter and gatherers, while we worked behind the scenes to make sure our homes are running like well-oiled machines. Little Suzy and Timmy are well-behaved, well dressed, clean, polite, well-adjusted, well-socialized, well-educated because Mom does her job and Dad does his. The kids seek out Mom because Mom is always there. Mom is the cheerleader, the nurse, the cook, the launderer, the dishwasher, the boo-boo fixer, the first heartbeat they ever heard.

When shit goes bad, if they go to anyone, they go to Mom. So, when it hits the proverbial fan in a way that affects the entire family, Mom is the one who everyone looks to to fix everything. She’s the emotional support for the entire family. She consoles the most affected child, and if she has more than one, she explains and explains and comforts and reassures the other(s). She also helps her husband get past whatever feelings he might feel and if it’s really big, she consoles, explains, and talks to extended family. She shoulders it all. WE shoulder it all.

We talk to our friends in a matter of fact way, sometimes we even rave to our friends, but it doesn’t quell the inner turmoil because we’re not only dealing with our feelings. We’re dealing with EVERYONE’S feelings.

So, on top of all the other bull shit we’re expected to do as mothers (working or not, single or in a relationship, because we all bear the same thing regardless), we’re trying to make everything alright for everyone. Sometimes, we never get the chance to deal with our own feelings while we’re doing. Sometimes it’s years and the urgency long forgotten by everyone else.

They either become skeletons in the family closet, or we shove it so far down because we have to continue to do all the usual things. There’s a saying, “No rest for the wicked.” There’s a definition of wicked that is “going beyond reasonable or predictable limits : of exceptional quality or degree” according to Merriam and Webster’s dictionary. It’s in this definition that mothers are wicked. Sometimes they fit into the others, you can look those up yourself, but this one is the most fitting over the most mothers. Which is why we do the things we do. Because we can.

I want you to think about this every time you feel like you can’t go on. Every single mother (with the exception of few) is a wicked warrior. We very literally have the capability to do it all.

The other take away from this is: Build a support system. It’s so important. Build a tribe. Be a part of someone else’s tribe.

Stop doing it all alone.

Today’s rant:

Stop settling. Seriously, stop settling. Stop taking the easy route. Stop using your fear as an excuse. There is no reason that you should accept anything but the best from anyone in your life. I get the psychological ramifications of comfort, knowledge, and even predictability in the status quo. I totally get it, but there has to come a point where you say, “This is bull shit! I deserve better than what I’m getting here!” and you formulate a plan to change what you’re doing.

Demand the promotion. Demand the respect from others. Demand respect from yourself! Learn your worth and discard anyone who doesn’t see it. Take the leap. Teach your children respect for themselves and respect for others. Teach them their worth by showing them yours. You are setting the example for your children.

Every time you do something, think about it. Think about it in terms of your sons and your daughters. “How would I feel if this was happening to my child?” If the answer is anything but happy or proud, squash it. 

Squash the fuck out of it.

There’s a difference between knowing self-worth and being egotistical. Know the difference. Live the difference.

Stop fucking settling! Please!

Judged Me:

This is brought to you by Eternally Exhausted.

“I was in the grocery store with my two toddlers, 3 and 1. Usually, I’m well prepared for a shopping trip, but this one got out of control so quickly that I didn’t see it coming until it was too late. We were going up and down the aisles and I was matching my coupons to the items on the shelf. Of course, I was driving the tractor trailer of shopping carts so that I didn’t have to have two because you know that the 3 year old cannot be trusted to walk through the store. I rounded the corner with my gigantic shopping cart and accidentally ran into the behind of a man stopped at the end of the aisle. I blushed and apologized trying to explain how hard these stupid things are to push, especially when there are two tiny distractions loaded inside. He exclaimed, ‘Jesus lady! Watch where you’re going! You could have really hurt me!’ as if I came around the corner at 90 miles an hour with the intent of mowing down everything in my path.

When the man yelled, it set off my 1 year old. She had that look of shock on her face that only a toddler can and started crying. I’m trying to comfort her and the man is mumbling under his breath how children should be left at home so they don’t bother other people.

I mean, seriously?! I apologized again and pushed on with my blubbering one year old and the three year old is chattering like a chipmunk. I can’t hear him over her sobs, and he starts to get frustrated. Then he’s raising his voice over hers, which makes her cry harder. At this point, I’m ready to surrender, but I was almost done, so I thought maybe I could zoom down the aisles and grab the last of the things I needed and get the hell out. I shouldn’t have.

I grabbed my last 3 items and hurried toward the registers. I passed the man I had run into and he was with his wife. “That’s the woman I was telling you about! Look at her. Her kids are out of control and she’s not doing anything about it!”

I almost expected his wife to shut him up, but instead she replied, “Our children never behaved like that! These young people don’t know what they’re doing!”

Now, I’m holding back angry tears and both of my kids are having monumental meltdowns. I just want to get out of there.

I shot them both an angry look and ran for the front of the store. I picked the shortest line, which ended up having the slowest cashier on planet earth. The kids are grabbing at all the crap the stores geniously stuck within arm’s reach and I’m battling them as I’m trying to load my items on the belt, cramming them in the smallest of spaces. The woman in front of me muttered something about misbehaving kids while I was proving my prowess as an octopus. The kids were in an uproar. Then I lost it. Instead of anyone consoling me, they just stared. The looked at me like I had three heads and gills. No words of encouragement, just stares of judgement. It was awful.”

Want to share your stories? Send an email to mordantmatriarch@gmail.com with “Judged Me” in the subject line. All stories will be shared anonymously. You’re welcome to sign them however you like. (i.e. Judy Judged A Lot or Can’t We Be Friends) The only time you will ever hear from me is when your story is going to air.

Dear Matriarch:

Today’s question was sent in by Stumped Spouse.

She wants to know “How do I get my husband to help out with the kids and the house?”

(laughter)

Dear Stumped,

Sorry. Sorry about that. It’s an age old question that has lots of answers and nothing proven.

This goes along with something I said earlier. We’re weaving our way out of the patriarchal society that we’ve, as women, have allowed to happen, but it’s going to be long before the men are sensitive and knowledgeable about what women need when it comes to a partner.

So, for now, all you can do is ask. Seriously, it’s that simple. “Hey, can you help with the dishes?” or “Can you give Robin a bath?” If he still won’t help…re-listen to the rant above.

Dear Matriarch is the mother of advice spots. You can ask me anything. I can’t promise I’ll see things the way you do, but I can promise I will always be honest.

I will also provide you with facts if need be.

Have a question that you want answered? Send it to mordantmatriarch@gmail.com with “Dear Matriarch” in the subject line. The only time you will ever hear from me is when your question is airing.

So that’s it. That’s a wrap.

Today’s podcast was sponsored by The ADHD Quilter. Custom creations for everyone. www.theadhdquilter.com. If you can dream it she can do it. Incidentally, that’s me because no one else knows this podcast exists.

If you’re interested in sponsoring an episode, send an email to mordantmatriarch@gmail.com with “Sponsor” in the subject line and we’ll work something out!

One last thing before I go. I do this for free. I’m too small for sponsors and I don’t want a ton of ads across my site so if you’d like to help a sister out, there is a “Donate” button on the website. It will help keep me from having to do all those things I complain about on other sites. And one day, I might actually get the button up.

Thanks for listening! See you next time.