A bun in the oven...

means there was a snake in the bush...

Watching the news tonight, I found out that Kim Kardashian is pregnant.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians is one of my guilty pleasures. Before you start mocking me, let me tell you why.

That family is so dysfunctional. They're normal people with a lot of money. They have a lot of the same problems as "normal" people do. The big difference, they're doing it on TV and they can afford a very expensive shrink (or six).

I admire Khloe. She's a healthy sized gal and she looks fabulous. In fact, I could see myself hanging out with her, we sort of have the same thing going on with our internal censor; they're non-existent. She likes to take care of her husband (which is fun to watch because he loves it but sometimes she goes just a tad too far) and she wants babies. It's not happening for them yet, but I surely hope it does.

Kourtney is a whole other can of worms. She wants to take care of her babies and doesn't want her boyfriend to become her husband (even though they are engaged I'm sure it will be a long one or Scott will go back to drinking after they tie the knot. I hope they make it longer than Kim and Chris.)

Kim being pregnant is a little disturbing to me though. Not to mention the father (or so I assume) is Kanye West. He hasn't exactly been my favorite person since he interrupted Taylor Swift a couple of years ago. He doesn't exactly have a fabulous reputation. Kim's still off of a fresh divorce from Chris and she's knocked up. I hope I'm wrong, but she's going to be a single mom before long...Ok, a single mom with 3 nannies and an assload of money but still...

So anyhow, yeah. My guilty pleasure always seems to pay off. It reminds me that regardless of your celebrity, you're still a person who can fuck up (Not Lindsey Lohan fucked up but...) and have emotions that pile up higher than your money.

This is what happens when your fame comes from a "leaked" sex tape. Maybe I should try that...although I look more like Honey Boo-Boo's momma than a Kardashian.

~Kim

I am woman...

hear me roar with frustration!

Women are so many different things to so many different people in their lives. It can become very frustrating.

Women in general are complicated beasts. Yeah I called us beasts, because we are. We love fiercely, we give fiercely, we're fiercely protective of our friends and families.

We also deal with a lot of pressure. Life is like a pressure cooker, if we don't vent before we finish we're likely to explode!

As a mom and wife, I spent many years lost in what I thought SHOULD be my only world, my husband and my kids. I listened to my mom, my in-laws, and numerous friends about how a parent and wife should be.

Well you know what? FUCK THAT! Losing myself in soccer and baseball and cheer and school and homework and housework and cooking and baking and and and...You get my point. I totally lost who I was because I deferred to people who "knew what they were doing."

Some people are perfectly happy doing those things and honestly, I love doing those things for my family (most of the time). BUT (and it's a big one)...It didn't complete me.

In recent years, I've found friends that I wouldn't have found if I was the old me. I've decided to not sweat what other people think. I never did. Ok, that's a lie, I've always said I didn't care what other people thought of me, but I did. Otherwise I wouldn't have done what I did for so long.

I don't feel that way anymore. For several reasons, but the big one is: I was not happy. Nope, not one iota. I was miserable. It hurt my marriage and my relationship with my kids. I resented having to be Susie homemaker.

EVERYONE needs to have something just for them. Hobbies, girls' nights, strip clubs, whatever. As long as it's not detrimental to you, DO IT! And don't feel guilty about doing it either. Ever.

Oh, and PLEASE don't let other simpletons make you feel guilty either!

Those who mind, don't matter and those that matter don't mind!

~Kim

If you're happy and you know it...

watch out for those who are unhappy because they tend to try to take your happiness and give it a good swift kick in the ass.

Yep. It's true. I watch it happen over and over and over again.

Dear Unfulfilled Jackasses,

Keep your unhappiness to yourselves. It's contagious, like the flu. Just because I've found happiness and you haven't doesn't give you the right to tell me how to behave or how to display my joy. If you don't like it, bite me.

Sincerely,
Not Necessarily Fulfilled But Happier Than You.

Yup, that's how I feel.

Did you ever notice when you get a case of the meanies, you can piss off perfectly happy people? Misery loves company, doesn't it?

Well fuck that, lock yourself in your bedroom with some chocolate, liqour, and porn and don't open the door until you're happy!

Smile and the world smiles with you.

~Kim

Who do you think you are...

telling me I need to buy something to make me more beautiful?

Fuck that. Beauty is so subjective. Everyone on this Earth is different. Different is beautiful. Tall, short, fat, thin, fluffy, wrinkled, tan, pale...Does it really matter what we look like?

There are some people considered physically beautiful, but as soon as they open their mouth they are the most ugly people on the planet.

I say, do what makes YOU feel beautiful.

I've always tried not to judge people, doesn't mean that I don't judge people, I'm human, it happens. And don't try to bullshit yourself and say "Well, *I* don't judge people." Everyone does, consciously or subconsciously. Of course, the way we judge people is subjective as well. It depends on our own lifestyle, our station in life, our neighborhoods, our upbringing, or any other numerous things that have made an impression on us in our lives.

Stereotyping is our worst enemy. There are cries every day for equality. Gender equality, race equality, sexual preference equality, political, religious, etc. Until everyone stops screaming about equality, pointing out how a particular group was treated throughout history, and realizes we're all human who bleed red, we can never have equality. NEVER.

Until people stop feeling like they are owed something because of the way their ancestors were treated, equality is unobtainable. Until we are willing to work to better ourselves, doing whatever needs to be done to move ahead in our lives, equality is unobtainable. Until we teach our children that hard work (even if it means working at McDonald's while searching for something better) is the best way to succeed, not stealing, dealing drugs, or living off the government.

We need to remember we're raising the next generation of leaders. What we feed the next generation is what we're going to see our world turn in to. For example, if we teach hate (even inadvertently) we will see a country that hates. If we teach tolerance and respect, we will see a productive society that grows and emulates respect and tolerance.

Teach your kids and the kids in your community to respect each other, respect the law, respect difference and we won't have to have these "Wars on (insert whatever cause here)."

Talk TO each other not AT each other. Get to know the people around you. RESPECT the people around you. Give people who are different than you a chance.

You'll find they're human too.

~Kim

I yam what I yam...

but that’s not all that I am.

Things I learned about myself in 2012 will definitely affect me in 2013. Ok, hopefully I’ll at least pause and think, “I already tried that and blew it,” before doing it again.

I learned that I can juggle a family full of busy people. Sports, music, school, friends, dinner, laundry, etc.  Yeah, I can do that, even mostly successfully.  I mean I’m far from perfect, so I’m bound to fuck up, once in a while.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I want something, I have to have the drive to do something other than think about it and that once I start to put it into action, it’s going to take some work. Usually I’m not willing to put that kind of work into it.

I’ve learned that my ADD is probably my best friend. It’s what gives me the ability to have 15 chainsaws in the air and only nick myself once in a while rather that chopping one of my appendages off. Don’t get me wrong, the nicks hurt like hell, but it means I can keep on going.

I’ve learned that dwelling on the past does absolutely nothing but fuck up the present and sometimes does almost irreparable damage to the future.

I’ve learned there are some things I want to change about myself. I’ve also learn that I may or may not ever change them. And I’m ok with that. It fits my personality.

I’ve learned that rather than need a nudge in the right direction, I may need a forceful SHOVE.

I’ve learned about accountability and how that’s a value very few people possess.

I’ve also learned that my life doesn’t have to be what it is, but I am the only person that has the ability to change it.

I always tell my kids to have a short memory (usually during one of their numerous games). Forget the bad. It’s the only way to move on, to get better, and to be happy.  I should take my own advice.

You should take my advice too.

Happy New Year!

~Kim

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack...

It’s that time again, time to make those New Year’s resolutions. Well, I’m swimming against the stream this year. I’m not making resolutions to lose weight, take better care of myself, or any other of the plethora of resolutions people make for the New Year. My resolution is to be a voice. I want to be a voice for myself. I also want to be a voice for the people who are afraid or unable to use theirs. 

No, this isn’t some great philanthropic thing that I’m talking about here.  I’m talking about talking, blowing the politically correct bullshit right out of the water. Letting it all hang out, for better or for worse. If it makes one person smile or look at something from a different point of view, fan-freaking-tastic. If you’re not that person and want to bitch about what I’m saying here…Just walk away from the keyboard.

So a few things about my big New Years post: if you know me, awesome, then you know I’m not full of shit and I tend to speak my mind, again, for better or for worse. If you’re new here, I speak my mind, for better or for worse. 

I’ll be starting off the New Year with a post full of some insights. Ok, maybe not insights, and most likely some oddball shit that will have you scratching your head, but hey, it’s my blog, so suck it up buttercup!

The Mordant Matriarch is back!

Over the river...

                And through the mountains, home from vacation we go. Two days trapped in my van with the three kids has yielded much fodder. It has also tested my patience. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. You get the idea. It might seem like overkill, but I assure you if you were trapped in my van with these three kids you would see that this is an understatement!

Thank God for technology. It made the drive better than what it could have been. Although, it is sad to see license plate bingo go the way of the dodo.

If the little one asks me what state we’re in again, I think my head might explode. No, I’m not being over-dramatic. Okay, maybe a little. Nope. Not at all. She has gone through spurts where she asks every 5 minutes what state we’re in and when I tell her she says, “No we’re not!” Really? We’re not? You know where we are? Then STOP ASKING ME!!!

Then you get the oldest playing parent. “Stop it! Didn’t you hear what Mom said?!”  I hear myself out of his mouth every once in a while. It makes me stop and think “Do I really sound like that?” Yup. I do. 

I would resolve to not yell as much in 2013, but I can’t even type that without going “Yeah, right!”

New Year’s resolutions are bullshit anyhow. It’s all the stuff that sucked last year with “I resolve” stuck in front of it. If you didn’t change it last year, what makes you think you’ll change it this year?

Yeah I know, hope. Hope is a wonderful thing. It truly is, BUT hope is kind of like ‘want’ (you know, “want in one hand, shit in the other and see which fills up first”) Hope has to have some kind of action tied to it. You can’t just hope for a new car and it will fall into your lap. You can’t hope to lose weight while eating that Big Mac. Why can’t we say something like “I will try to be less lazy this year.” or “ I won’t be as big of a douche this year.” What’s wrong with that?  Baby steps people.

Resolutions don’t have to be life changing, they can be a tool that is used to make things suck just that much less!

~Kim