So, just by reading the title of this post you're probably in one of three camps. Either you're cheeks are burning with embarrassment at the thought of talking about sex, you're muttering something about me being a pervert, or you're excited about talking about sex.
I'm sorry to disappoint, but there's not that kind of excitement in this post.
I've been married for fifteen years. We all know sex ebbs and flows through marriage (well, maybe you don't know because you're newly married or not married at all). What I've experienced over the years isn't the typical wane in sex drive.
I'm not a doctor, nor am I a therapist. I can only speak from my experiences. I have never seen a doctor or a therapist on this issue either. Again, I can only speak from experience.
My oldest boy was born before we even got married. He was planned. We weren't worried about what the future held. We were in love, and that's all that mattered. We had coitus (oh thank you Big Bang Theory for bringing that word front and center in my life!) as much as humanly possible. Then baby one came, my sex drive went down the tubes in a hurry. I went, at length, without even a thought of copulation.
My husband, however, did not. He tried and tried, but it just drove me further and further away. It was the thing we argued about the most. What I understand now, that I didn't understand back then, would have made my life a lot easier. It wasn't enough that I was busy taking care of a new baby, who was born very sick, and I was very tired. As far as he was concerned, I was just being a bitch. Having sex with him was part of my job.
Wife Job Description:
Cook, Clean, Take Care of Kids,
Have Sex When Ever I Desire
No Matter How YOU Feel.
See, there it is, right there in black and white.
Okay, so no it's not, because no one writes this shit down, you're just expected to know it.
Once he realizes you're not putting out, two things can happen (in some cases both happen while in others only one or the other happen). He gets mad and you fight all the time, but he still expects you to put out. He tries to re-woo you by buying you things and taking you places.
For me, after birth it was hormonal (I believe), but once everything was back to normal, I wasn't happy.
When I say I wasn't happy, it doesn't mean I didn't laugh or smile, but I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy with him, he wasn't happy with me, so we both existed in misery. I gave in once in a while, hoping that it would smooth things over, but it was just a band-aid. (It's also how we got our second son)
We drifted further and further from each other.
It just wasn't there. Then, another awful truth reared it's ugly head. I pretended it didn't exist, he didn't acknowledge it existed, so we just went on.
We had our daughter. He went to work away from the family. It was a good job, good money, we were on top of the world. Well, as far as anyone else knew, we were.
There came a point where things had to be confronted and decisions had to be made. It was awful, but it started us on our way to falling back in love with each other again.
It sounds corny, but falling back in love is hard work. Especially when you've spent many years not *liking* the person you're in love with.
So, what this long winded post is building up to: Sex isn't just sex, not when you're married. Sex is STILL an emotional connection that can't be bought. It's a lot like respect, it needs to be earned and once it's lost, it is SO hard to get back, but it CAN be revisited.
I know my husband loves me because he changed a deal breaker so I wouldn't walk out the door. While it wasn't an instant fix, it gave me hope. Now that we're under one roof, we're walking a very different path, but it's an oddly happy one.
Not all sunshine and roses, but the sex is better!
~Kim
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