I Opened This...

yesterday to write a post.

It was day 15...Today is day 16.

My stress level is so high. I'm back to minimal functioning.

Did you ever have a person in your life that was just constantly on you for every single mistake you've made that they know of? You know, the type of person to remind you of the past and tell you you're doing it wrong in the present. They also tell you that whatever you're doing for the future won't work because of the past. Like the past is some kind of fucking blueprint that you have to follow.

As if you can never move forward because you've changed (or are trying to change).

Let me tell you something. You might move back and forth on the same landscape, but there is no need to follow the same footsteps. Now, normally, the footprints would slowly wear away if you didn't use them anymore, right? Imagine a person who constantly puts you back in those footsteps, even though you know they're not on the path you want to take.

I have a person like that in my life.

Yeah, I hear you telling me to cut this person out, but there are just somethings that I cannot do. That is one of them.

I'm working on blocking out the noise so that I can concentrate on what I want to achieve (and come back and be very "BOOYAH! I TOLD you I could! I'll accept your apology whenever you're ready.").

I'm learning how to prioritize. Boy, that's something else. I'm also trying to learn how to follow through, something that I've struggled with as long as I can remember.

That being said, I have accomplished a lot in the public eye, but someone else was holding me accountable and I couldn't let them know that sometimes I just can't even make it out of bed. I couldn't let the world know that I was battling depression. I don't want sympathy. Never did.

I didn't want anyone who was not in my inner circle to know what I was like behind closed doors.

Once, I drove to work and sat in the parking lot for fifteen minutes convincing myself to go in. The day after that, I stopped picking up jobs. I knew then that things were going to get much worse.

Now I'm trying to weed my way out of the mire and I keep getting shoved back in. Due to the fact that my life has been a mess for twenty years, I'm not able to change. Not able to get my shit in order. I'm incapable.

BULL SHIT!

I no longer feel responsible for someone's opinion of me, my mistakes, or my life choices. I have given myself permission to let go, ignore, or possibly fight back.

I'm empowering myself!

~Kim