Ugh...That's All I've Got...

Really...It is.

My positivity is waning.

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to try to get yourself fired up every single day? To will a medication to be the answer?

It's fucking taxing and this motor has run out of gas.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it.

I've got thirteen days until the first thirty are in the books. I'm exasperated, really.

While I've done a few things and I am having more good days, I'm afraid they're self-inflicted and I'm not sure I can continue on.

For example, while I did take D and her friend swimming today at the local pool, I sat in bed until 11:00. I didn't want to go downstairs because I knew what my house looked like. I knew that I was going to have to fight the kids to get them to help do anything. I knew that I had no desire to do anything myself.

I did manage to throw in a load of laundry (crap gotta switch it to the dryer or it'll be stinky and I'll have to rewash it), but that's it.

I still haven't called the therapist that called me on the recommendation of my doctor. I'm not sure what's stopping me (shit, I just remembered something else I was supposed to do today! UGH!) because I KNOW I need that help, too. I just...I just can't make myself do it.

I'll be out tomorrow at a family thing. I'd rather send the kids and stay in bed, but that would be wrong and I know I'll have a nice time.

Son of a bitch. I'll set a reminder on my calendar for Monday, maybe I can get my shit together by then.

~Kim