So We're Going To Skip...

ahead a little bit.

It's day 14.

(My last post said day 11 and it was really day 10, I guess that's good that I'm losing track? Who knows)

We had a very busy weekend of travel baseball for K. I was so exhausted when we finally did get home each day that it was all I could do to change out of my clothes and go to bed.

We're in transition. A HUGE transition. A "buckle your seat belt because it's going to be a bumpy ride" transition.

I'm hopeful and terrified at the same time.

I had time to think about things this weekend while I was driving all over hell between hollering at the kids to keep their hands to themselves, telling them to knock off the fighting, and answering the "Are we there yet?" question a million and a half times.

I think we're finally in a good place. We're on the same page, the Patriarch and I.

While he's transitioning to a new job in the same field with a new company (after getting monumentally screwed by the previous one), we're talking about money.

Money has been my coping mechanism for everything that has stressed me out over the years. I haven't been able to rein in my spending. This has put us in ridiculous spots over the years, yet I've never changed.

Actually, that's not entirely true. I've changed a little. I used to spend out of spite. I would spend on the most ridiculous things on the planet. I blew money like I was (a much smarter, more considerate, and better looking) Donald Trump.

I kept up with the Joneses, the Smiths, the Appenbauckers, and everyone else on the planet. The weird thing is, it didn't matter. I didn't care if I had cooler things, it was simply a coping mechanism.

As they say, old habits are hard to break.

This is the first time the Patriarch and I have actually talked about how screwed up our money situation is. Today is the big day. We're going to lay out everything. (Mostly me because I run the finances) Time to come clean. Time to make changes. There's no reason that we shouldn't have a fat bank account (other that we're both impulsive as fuck) and no money worries.

He sacrifices a TON so we can have what we have, but there's so much more to it.

Anyhow, I'm crazily worried about this transition. I'm going to have to talk myself out of a lot of things like eating out all the time (laziness) and stupid unneeded crap (that just calls my name).

We're going to do it though. HAVE to do it. The kids are getting older and they're going to need our help to transition to their adult lives.

I'm hopeful. I feel better every single day. I still have to force myself to do things though. Stupid little things like take a shower or change out of my pajamas. Shoot, even putting dishes into the dishwasher (which is a ridiculously simple task) takes twenty minutes of cajoling.

Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. When I go to beat myself up about it later, I try to remind myself these shitty habits were not created over night so they will not be broken over night.

My short-term memory is still shit. I keep hoping it'll come back once the clouds have relatively cleared, but I'm starting to get cynical about that.

For example, the Patriarch keeps reminding me about a conversation we had last time he was home and I cannot remember it for the life of me and it was IMPORTANT! I mean, seriously, why can't I remember stuff?! UGH!

Now, I feel like it's gotten a little bit better, but still. I just want to be normal. Oh how I hate that word, but it's what I want, more than anything in the world.

Still waltzing steadily forward, even though I feel like I'm offbeat.

~Kim